I adored you. I still do. I want to be in the same space with you one more time. I want you to follow me around and keep your stare on me again

I’m going to write this in English because it allows me to express my emotions better than Japanese.

You used to find a way to reconnect with me through your work when you found out when I was going to come to your workplace. And I did mention the next occasion I am going to be at your workplace in the future. But this time, I got a sense that you may be going to avoid being at your workplace when I’ll be there.

I felt that way because of the recent change of your attitude towards me.

“Can you come see me next Wednesday?” When I said yes to this, you shouted yes with a fist pump. That was right after you asked my age for your first time. When I said my age, you looked a bit frozen and said that you asked how old I was when I came to the country we live. But I am pretty sure you modified your question quickly.

You kept flirting with me whenever your girlfriend wasn’t around. Shortly after our conversation about my age, however, you started behaving differently. You became a little tense and looked unsure how to act around me.

But at the same time you kept accepting my small acts of kindness and continued texting me, occasionally with your videos.

Your sending your own videos and photos seemed to me that you wanted me to see you and you wanted me to like you more.

But the last time I saw you, I didn’t see eagerness that I used to see in your eyes.

You said “I’ll see you at the workplace?” but you looked like a person who says “see you next time” without an actual intention of seeing that person ever again. I kept somewhat flat expression in my eyes because it would have been too painful to keep my hope high any longer.

Will you be there? A part of me still hopes that you will be there, seeking for a little connection with me.

Are we not supposed to be in touch because of our differences and relationship statuses?

I adored you. I still do. I want to be in the same space with you one more time. I want you to follow me around and keep your stare on me again. I want you to blush and look down with your shy smile when I talk to you like you did before.

A part of me feels angry at you. Why did you mislead me if our differences matter to you in the end? I wanted to be a part of your life and wanted to feel what you’re experiencing. It was really my pleasure. I wanted to know the depth of your struggle, sorrow, joy and excitement, and the challenges that you are facing. I didn’t plan to give you a lecture or anything but I wanted to be at least there for you so that you don’t feel alone in your struggles. Or do you have enough people who want to be there for you?

In that case, I should be happy for you. My heart aches but I’m glad for you. Because even if I want to, I cannot be there for you full time. But your girlfriend and friends may be able to.

Reach out to me. I’ll be there for you.

I want to be in touch with your purity again because it gave me a sense of joy and happiness.

I promise I won’t cling.

See? No matter how much it hurts, I’m staying away from you because becoming your burden is the very last thing I want to do.

I will love you no matter where you will be and what you’re going to be.